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The Twelve Rules of Holiday Sanity

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t get at least a little more stressed during the holidays. But those of us with special needs kids sometimes feel about the holidays the way you might feel about an oncoming train. At this point in my life, I feel like the basics of Holiday Sanity are common sense, and no one needs me to lecture about them. But in talking to a mother of young special needs kids last week, I realized that I had to learn many of these the hard way over the course of many years. Your child’s needs are even more of a priority during the holidays. I don’t mean that they get everything they want. I mean they have a hard enough time coping on a good day, so when everything ramps up, they need even more support. This supports you as well as them. You know at some point they’re going to go “sproing,” at which point everyone suffers. The name of the seasonal game is planning. A little-advanced planning can save your holiday season and avoid that hit-by-a-truck feeling for both you and your child.

The Twelve Rules of Holiday Sanity

1. Stop trying to have the perfect holiday!

I love the holiday, and really had to learn this one the hard way. Look at the list of things you want to do and cut back, cut back, cut back. Decide what’s truly essential in order for you and your family to feel connected to each other and to the spirit of the holiday, and be utterly ruthless about everything else. I don’t just mean events; I mean the things you want to do to make things extra special, that actually end up stressing you out and (in my case, anyway) don’t actually seem to make that much of a difference for anyone else.

2. Have a sitter on tap for the season.

This one takes some advanced planning, but it’s so, so worth it. Arrange with a friend, family member or hired sitter (or all three!) to be extra available during the most hectic part of the season. Other moms may be willing to trade with you, for more collective sanity all around. Fill in your dates as early as you can. Either have your wonderful but sensitive child skip events and stay with the caregiver, or have that extra person come with the sole purpose of hangin’ with your high-maintenance bundle of joy.

3. Don't Shop with your child unless absolutely necessary.

I’m pretty sure this is self-explanatory. Plan your shopping dates as far ahead as possible and make sure your partner or one of those angel caretakers can watch your child. If your child really needs to go see that mall Santa, try to do it at a non-busy time if at all possible.

4. Pre-plan those parties!

If the whole family is going, but you think you might have some differences in stamina, go in two cars so the early crashers can leave when they need to. If there will be a lot of children and you’re concerned about how your child will do, you might take turns helping to watch the kids or bring an extra adult or teenager to be your child’s companion. Bring a few snacks if food is an issue.

5. Go outside!

Build snowmen; go sledding, skiing or skating; see the lights. There is something wonderfully soothing about the outdoors. Just walking through a beautifully lit neighborhood or part of the city can feel timeless and calming.

6. Create family traditions that your child will find special.

Decorate cookies, make decorations, read books, thread popcorn while listening to a fun audiobook. What does your child enjoy; what can she contribute? Look for opportunities and let things evolve. One of my favorite traditions at our house involves a huge, ugly plastic owl that came home with us from a white elephant party. My son snuck it onto the top of the tree, replacing the angel, to my initial exasperation. We spent that holiday finding ways to replace each other’s tree topper (and the owl developed some entertaining wardrobes), which I eventually realized was really fun. He’s 24 now, and we still do this.

7. Don’t forget to plan for you!

A little regular planned self-care can save everyone’s sanity during this season. Plan one non-kid event a week – a date night, massage, drinks with friends, one evening when you get into your pj’s early, read, and are utterly off duty. Put it on your Christmas list!

8. Build In Downtime.

Look at your schedule and build in downtime for your child when he’s most likely to need it. The last day of school? Not a great time to go out to dinner afterward or go straight to a party. Make sure he has a few days of pure nothing (except maybe playdates) before school starts up again. These kids really need a break from constant stimulation.

9. Stay Scheduled.

Be extra vigilant about keeping your child on a regular schedule, especially regarding food and sleep. It’s so easy for our natural rhythms to get skewed during this time of year. And remember ­– our natural rhythms during the depths of winter are calling for more sleep and less activity anyway!

10. Talk to family members ahead of time.

Be cheerful and calm, but firm, about your family’s needs. Believe me, I know how tricky this one can be. Don’t engage; just calmly stick to the plan. If anyone’s feathers get ruffled, they’ll get over it eventually.

11. Bring the Favorites.

This is a good time to have their favorites on hand to keep them calm and entertained. Videos during dinner? Fine. Favorite non-sugary snacks to get you through the last part of the party, even though you’re going to have dinner next anyway? Be prepared and do what you need to.

12. Stay Home.

Just as much as you need to. Remind yourself that the world will keep spinning, and you will have a social life again one day, and right now…it’s all about what your family needs! Snuggle, watch some of those sweet TV specials, read your favorite books. Enjoy the space. Make that your Christmas present to all of you!