How I Became an Advance Man for my Child with Special Needs

“Failing to plan is planning to fail.” --Alan Lakein

An “advance man” or “advance person” is someone who travels ahead to arrange the details of scheduling, publicity, security, and other matters connected with a trip or public appearance, especially one to be made by a politician or dignitary. These advance people are typically employed by the White House or presidential campaign to make sure nothing goes wrong when the candidate or President makes a public appearance somewhere. An advance team visits a location days before the scheduled event. They meet with the person in charge, they discuss logistics, they look at security, they gather whether there will be friendly faces at the event, and most importantly, the security advance people develop a plan on how to immediately extricate the President or candidate from the location should there be any trouble. Nothing is left to chance.

My Son, The President

Now, pretend your child is the President, and assume all of the aforementioned duties before enrolling him or her in a class or taking them to an event. My wife and I joke constantly that we could work for the White House based on all the “advance” work we do proceeding my son attending an event such as a birthday party, going to a new school, taking karate, or even a play date. However, all of our advance work has made for smoother sailing for our son, and more importantly, he can enjoy these life events a lot more.

7 Advance Work Tips to help your child with special needs

An example of our advance work would be the karate class we enrolled our son in last fall. Our son is eleven with Auditory Processing Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder. A loud room, a teacher who lectured rather than demonstrated, and moves immediately building on the last one, would be his kryptonite. Rather than enroll him in the class and meet with the instructor five minutes before class started, we called the director in advance, explained our situation, and he warmly welcomed us in for a meeting.

1. Hold a meeting in advance

Remember, discussing your child’s issues ahead of time helps the facility as much as it helps your child. People aren't typically afraid of children with learning or physical disabilities any more, so there is no need to minimize whom your child is. If your child has Asperger’s, don’t describe him or her as quirky or eccentric, say he or she has Asperger’s. Our kids don’t come with manuals like cars. Why make people have to decipher your child’s actions when you can explain them ahead of time.

2. Find the right modifications

We explained my son’s personality, etc. and in what type of environment he thrives. The director suggested my son have a one-on-one karate class with an instructor advanced in the martial arts who was a senior in high school. He charged us the same price for one-on-one as the class would have cost. Fast forward, the two of them still work together and my son has made measurable advances in karate. Had we just signed him up for a class, threw him in there, and he had a meltdown, we would have watched his self-esteem take a blow, and it would have been harder to get him into another program.

3. Don't be ashamed

Don’t be ashamed of your child when discussing his or her limitations with someone. It is what it is. If you hold back and are not truthful about what your child can and cannot do, your child will pay the price later on in the program.

4. If it doesn't feel right don't do it!

There is a kind and gentle way to ensure that the people working with your child, and the environments they’ll be in, will be beneficial. If it doesn't feel right, don’t involve your child in it. Just because all of your friends’ children are doing an activity does not mean it will be right for your child.

5. Watch for triggers

Before you enroll your child anywhere, make sure that none of your child’s triggers are present at the location (i.e. disorganization, loud noise, chaos, high adult to child ratio, etc.) If the triggers are present, make sure that the staff knows how to immediately comfort your child or address the issues should your child have a meltdown or figuratively crash.

6. Trust the staff

These people don’t need a psychology degree to be able to help your child when you’re not there. You do not need to require that the staff undergo training. They merely have to have a willingness to help and a kind heart.

7. Be willing to compromise

You have to be willing to meet people 75% of the way. Get rid of the attitude of entitlement just because you’re paying for a service or you’re a taxpayer. What matters at the end of the day is that our children grow, are happy, and living a well-balanced life. We can help contribute this by doing the advance work and leaving nothing to chance. Some things, no matter how modified, are just not a good fit for our kids. All this advance work is exhausting, it’s unrelenting, but the rewards are amazing. When your child comes running out from karate with a new-colored belt that he earned, the sacrifice is worth it. Like the Secret Service protecting the President, nothing is left to chance when it comes to my son’s attendance somewhere out of the home. Not for one minute do we equate our son’s importance to that of the President, nor do we commandeer locations and their staff. My son is no more important than anyone else’s child and does not deserve any special rights. However, we are yet to work with someone who has not been willing to help out our son a little or make certain modifications. Our honesty about our son’s limitations up front is much appreciated by staff, rather then our son being enrolled in extracurricular programs without explanation as to his communications issues. Everything can be tweaked, if you’re gracious in your request.

Michael Dorfman