Karen Wang
Siblings: Which One Has Special Needs?
Siblings are more alike than different, with or without special needs.
When I’m out and about with my “Ask Me About Autism” purse, I sometimes get curious questions from strangers or other other parents at school. One of the first questions that folks ask is, “Which one of your children is autistic?”
Most of the time, it’s difficult to tell the difference between ability and disability by watching my children’s behavior. In fact, my allegedly typical child is capable of creating dramatic distractions that help his brother blend in effortlessly.
Of course, it’s wrong to compare siblings, because each person has unique needs and unique gifts. With siblings, it’s all about interplay: when one reveals a weakness, the other compensates or capitalizes on it. While accepting and honoring each child’s ability, I’ve collected their reactions to 16 situations. See if you can identify which one has followed a typical pattern of development and which one has special needs. In the end, they're both just kids.
1. Morning routine
A. Stays in bed until breakfast is ready, washes and dresses himself independently, packs his backpack and waits for the school bus 5 minutes before its scheduled arrival.
B. Wakes up extra early, makes noise and turns on all the lights, makes messes in the kitchen while breakfast is being prepared, resists eating food and getting dressed, repeatedly requests storytime before school.
2. A visit from grandparents
A. Runs to his room, shuts the door and hides, refuses to emerge until after dinner, refuses to make eye contact.
B. Runs out to grandparents’ car, hugs and greets them, offers to help carry in their bags, jumps and bounces for an hour.
3. School
A. Struggles with academic work, but maintains cheerfulness and respect for others.
B. Zips through academic work and starts poking other children out of boredom.
4. After school
A. Lies on the living room floor with a snack, doesn’t move until dinner time.
B. Vents all of his anxiety, frustration and agitation as soon he gets home, deliberately provokes his brother.
5. Weekend
A. Sulks and asks to play video games.
B. Swims, goes to gymnastics lesson, hikes in the woods, participates joyfully in religious services, bakes cookies, does an art project.
6. Chores
A. Will do chores in exchange for cash only.
B. Will do chores in exchange for one-on-one time with a parent.
7. Homework
A. Wants to do homework but feels overwhelmed by emotion, so it takes over 2 hours to complete most assignments.
B. Avoids homework and procrastinates even when it’s a simple short assignment.
8. Meals
A. Wolfs down food until he gags.
B. Eats very small servings very slowly and reluctantly, seeks out distractions throughout mealtime.
9. Meltdowns
A. Rare, but when it happens, it lasts over an hour, sometimes 2 hours.
B. Daily, but is usually resolved within 30 minutes through sensory activities.
10. Theme Park
A. Sticks with a few familiar, non-scary rides, refuses to try anything else, starts whining after 1 hour in park.
B. Waits in line like a pro, wants to try almost everything and can’t wait for the next visit.
11. Clothing
A. Old pajamas all day.
B. Crisp white shirt with necktie, chinos and high-top sneakers.
12. Supermarket
A. Excitedly picks out favorite foods, tries to talk to strangers and kiss store displays.
B. Clings to my leg except when I get him a free cheese sample at the deli.
13. Pets
A. Proudly shows off his pet to friends and neighbors, snuggles with pet during movies at home.
B. Loves to vacuum the pet cage.
14. Toys
A. Completed Lego Architecture projects proudly displayed on bookshelf.
B. Multiple half-finished projects and games scattered across several rooms.
15. Bedtime
A. Follows his preferred schedule, lights out before 9pm.
B. Resists every single step of the bedtime routine, wants me to hold his hand until he’s asleep, even though he tosses, turns and flips to keep himself awake.
16. Nighttime
A. Wakes up crying from leg cramps, growing pains and the cold but won’t use a blanket or warm compress.
B. Takes 1 to 2 hours to fall asleep, wakes up early and often but stays in bed.
Answers: Child with special needs: 1-A, 2-B, 3-A, 4-B, 5-B, 6-B, 7-A, 8-A, 9-B, 10-B, 11-B, 12-A, 13-B, 14-A, 15-A, 16-B.
